gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
