My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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