i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
