so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
