Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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