Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize