I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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