Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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