btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
