i think my tv is drunk
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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