Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
