how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
