Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
