I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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