so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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