he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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