We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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