it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
