I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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