There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
BRING THE BAGELS
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
