i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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