when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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