I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
