I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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