The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
