I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
