So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
