my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
