Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
