Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize