Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
