Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My ass is underappreciated
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
