I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
