i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
