I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
