can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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