What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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