I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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