my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
