12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
