You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
