I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
