Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
