So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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