You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We are all done wearing pants today
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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