White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
