Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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