you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
