i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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