Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
