dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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