You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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