my phone needs a breathalizer
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
