two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
