Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
