Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
