we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
