My sheets look like a crime scene.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
