Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
