remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
